I almost forgot about this challenge.

Sundays are always full, challenging, wonderful.

Today we were talking about our “Starting Point” for the Christian faith. That it doesn’t begin with certainty or answer but with questions. One question, in particular. Who is/was Jesus?

I always find it interesting that up until Ava was born I had never really experienced a crisis that rattled my faith to the point of doubt. Oh, I had plenty of significant crises, but always had certain answers.

After Ava was born, it was completely different. My world went dark and I especially couldn’t reconcile the problem of evil/suffering. At the height of all of my doubt and darkness and trying to talk myself back into a certain faith, we were asked to start pastoring our little church.

Oh the irony.

I didn’t share much of that because I know how we treat people with ‘doubt’. Especially people that we fear are losing their faith. And I knew every persuasion, truly. You have no idea how much I have studied and memorized and immersed myself in Scripture. And it didn’t matter. I couldn’t even pray it away.

This was new territory for me now. Waking up some days and having no questions about God’s existence and my purpose in life and heaven and such. And other days being completely sure that none of that was actually true. And I was so afraid that I would have more and more days of doubt and eventually my faith would be gone. And here I was now, a pastor’s wife. Not ok.

Thank God for all of you brave enough to be honest about how sometimes, it’s a fight to hold on to faith. Sometimes you don’t believe it either. Sometimes, Sunday School answers are not enough to answer real world questions.

And we are all in really good company.

All of these men that walked with Jesus, were so completely convinced that He was the Messiah – before He died. That even though he told them again and again of what would happen, they missed it. And then He dies, and they are certain – after all those miracles and living life beside of Him – and being SO SURE… and faith was lost.

“We had hoped”.

I am thankful for a God who doesn’t let go.

Through some complicated circumstances, I am leading music at the church (again, another blog, another time).

Today I closed with a Crowder song that may as well be my own.

 

I used to shake You like an 8-ball

I used to shoot You like a gun

I used to hold You like a hammer

Tried to nail down everyone

I used to keep You in a steeple

Used to bind You in a Book

I used to take You like prescription

Without knowing what I took

Now I just don’t buy it anymore

No, I tried and I tried

To know everything for sure

But I find I know less

As I’ve come to know You more

You’re not who I thought You were

Praise the Lord

 

Your love’s an ocean, not a river

A symphony, not just a song

I don’t think everybody’s right

I think we often get it wrong

I think that when we get to Heaven

We’re gonna laugh when we can see

How hard we try to make it

And how easy it should be

Providence is endless

And mercy is a mystery

And fear is no good reason

To believe in anything