Write 31 Days, Day 18

Deep calls to deep. {Ps 42:7}
Over the past several months, I’ve watched myself receding and disconnecting from familiar places and spaces and circles and into a shared quiet.
Growing even more frustrated with the noise and the pace and incessant small talk.
Searching for a safe place to rest and process.
Trying to make sense of these waters within, without.
Ache and mystery.
But it’s a mad world we’re in, and it refuses to slow for a moment or lend any time.
I’ve often been mad at the world in return.
I’ve heard that much of this is what can happen when you cross into the second half of life… if you’re paying attention and doing ego work.
Maybe so.
I’ve heard that this tension is some sort of soul awakening and expansion. Growth and transformation.
That seems right.
But there was never time to just be alone with it long enough to figure out where the deep was calling to or what on earth I was supposed to even do with it.
Until the world came to a screeching halt.
And now, suddenly, time…
This is my 20th year as an adult.
Over the past 20 years, I’ve encountered some life-shaking crises.
They’ve mostly been wrestling and wandering and learning how to exist in the spaces of doubt and darkness and question.
It hasn’t been a journey of linear progression.
I’ve named them 🙂
There was the Great Deconstruction.
The Darkness.
The Wilderness.
The Earthquake.
And now, the Deep.
It’s hard to explain…
but suddenly, the river ran deep.

Suddenly, I was in the place where more could be known and felt than could ever be articulated. 
But it feels familiar.

It feels like home.

Maybe I have time.

Maybe all I have is time.

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